Self-inquiry is the practice of looking honestly at your own patterns, needs and blind spots, and it is the foundation of healthy relationships. This guide brings together what I have learned about knowing yourself, looking after yourself first and showing up for the people around you.
The art of self-inquiry
It is hard to see the parts of ourselves that need attention, because blind spots are blind to our own awareness. Self-inquiry asks for a willingness to look at the less comfortable parts of ourselves and to follow inner threads back to their source. Sometimes feedback from the outside, like a road sign, helps point the way. Make time and space for it regularly: a few quiet minutes of meditation or journaling is enough to start. If you are new to sitting, see anapana meditation.
Know yourself
My school motto was ‘Know Yourself’. Making the effort to understand who we are pays dividends, though it takes time. Self-knowledge leads to stronger personal boundaries: knowing where our limits are lets us act with integrity and honesty, and get our needs met. From that place, we can serve others well.
Self-care comes first
On an aeroplane, you put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. In ordinary life, many people help others first as a way to avoid meeting their own needs. Looking inward can be challenging, even painful. Embracing the parts of ourselves we would prefer to avoid, sometimes called shadow work, is hard, and skipping it usually leads to less happiness. If self-inquiry brings up distress, a qualified therapist or counsellor can support you. It is a strength to ask for help.
On being seen
Showing up can feel risky, especially when we care a lot about the outcome. Many of our quirks are survival strategies that protect us from being seen, because being seen invites criticism. Public speaking is a classic example: the hot sweats, cold shivers and clammy hands. These sensations are information, not danger. Noticing them with curiosity, and breathing through them, is a practical form of mindfulness. A few rounds of slow breathing before you speak can help; see my breathwork guide.
Attention and appreciation
Attention and appreciation are the cornerstones of any relationship: parent and child, partners, siblings, friends, teacher and student. When we give attention, we are present, available and listening. When we show appreciation, we tell people they are valued. Both are free, and both can be practised today. For parents, see my guides to mindful parenting and mindfulness for kids.
Repairing a relationship: Ho’oponopono
Hoʻoponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, grounded in acceptance, responsibility, gratitude and love. I used it recently to repair a friendship. The practice uses four phrases: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. They are simple, and surprisingly powerful when said sincerely.
Communicating with care
Healthy communication is a skill. My notes on nonviolent communication cover a practical framework for expressing needs and listening with empathy.
Gratitude for community
The seasonal community around me in north Goa is a mix of artists, performers, teachers, parents and wanderers, united by a wish to live life on our own terms. It is an experiment in the art of living, and I am grateful for it, along with my friends and my partner. Community is a practice too: showing up, listening and celebrating together.
A simple self-inquiry practice
- Sit quietly for five minutes and follow your breath.
- Ask: what do I need right now?
- Notice any resistance, tension or story that arises, without judging it.
- Write one sentence about what you noticed.
- Choose one small action that meets that need.
Keep going
Explore more mindfulness practices, read about mindful habits, or subscribe to the newsletter and receive my free mindfulness guide.